F*** It Ft. 2018

I’m so tired of tiptoeing around people’s feeling when all I get in return is just to get dragged through the mud
I’m so tired of being lied to
I’m so tired of the dishonesty
I’m so tired of being blindsided, no warnings, no red flashing lights, just a punch in the gut

Does what we have mean completely nothing to them
Once they get the courage and they can’t deal anymore
That’s when they decide to plaster their feelings all over my walls
The walls that I’ve let down because sometimes I let people in too easily [a flaw, I am aware]
Disregarding what that might do to me
And I’m just supposed to be okay with that and take the higher road?
When it’s either something I can’t control or something that they took too personally and made it into something it never had to become…
Are they not aware I would never intend to hurt them and all I ask for is honesty?!

My walls are high and for good reason
Once I let them down, they come down fast
Once I let someone in, it’s like I almost forget my personal needs
I tend to theirs with an urgency
I swallow my pride
I duck my head
I build up thicker skin.. because sticks and stones hurt
And more often than not, the ones that throw them end up being the closest

Am I allowed to just tell you how I feel?!
Of how unfair your actions are
Of how mean your words were
Of how you make me think less of myself
After all, can’t you see how bruised my knees are?
Bruised from falling because I’ve known so many like you throughout my life
Like you to just knock the wind out of me and bring me to my knees

Call it strength
Call it willpower
Either way, I’m tired

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2 thoughts on “F*** It Ft. 2018

  1. I’m sorry you went through that. You described the emotions of letting people in so perfectly. I am scared to let my walls down because it seems like it is in vain… I give and give and receive very little. It is exhausting indeed. So far the only thing that has worked is just talking to God and telling him everything. I feel refreshed after that. We can’t control other people’s actions; but, we can control what our reaction will be.

    1. At the end of the day it’s going to be a battle and from it we can get stronger and learn where we need to focus our energy, or it will just consume us.

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